I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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