I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
