I think im going to throw up on grandma
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sorry about my life...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
