I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
