I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
