I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
