Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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