This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
