wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
