Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
