The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
