i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
