Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
