I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
