You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
