you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Randomize