The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
