She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize