she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
