I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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