I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
