At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize