I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
