I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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