I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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