Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
