I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
