My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
