so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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