this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
