Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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