Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
