She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
