When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
