I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I want to be your penis for a week.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize