Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
