I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
