Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
