and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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