All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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