Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
