I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
