I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We just shotgunned beers for America
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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