I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
