when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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