Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize