Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She bit a glass in half.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize