There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
