I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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