im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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