Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
