Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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