I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
