Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Ladies don't puke and tell
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
