Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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