In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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